How to deal with this situation? How does anyone deal with news like this. Everybody in his own way that is for sure. So how must I deal with it? How do I give it a place in my mind? I actually have no clue. I decided to let my being take over, let Nele just do whatever she thinks is necessary. I don’t need psychologists (for now), I definitely don’t need crying time (what doesn’t mean that I never cry, sometimes I need a moment, a minute and then it is done). In a strange way my mind got focussed on the idea that I’ll be part of that small percentage. I know that not everybody probably believes it. Many people are unconsciously negativists. Not me. I have to be part of that group that is cured. There is just no other thought in my mind. No other option. So my mind started working!
I wouldn’t be a good soldier if I wouldn’t prepare a battle plan. The Friday after may first chemo I suddenly got into a combat modus. Cutting my long hair was a first step. Besides the fact that it makes my life easier because I don’t have to brush, wash and dry it anymore (wash it off course), it was also because the shock (for others) will be smaller if my hair would fall out. I personally don’t mind that much. But I have noticed that cutting my hair gave me strength. This maybe seems really strange but I felt like me, like Nele when it was cut. I loooove the haircut and I feel strong and powerful and still very feminine. This was the first step in my war against cancer. Because this isn’t a fight anymore. IT IS WAR!! And my goal is to reach my objective!
I can not describe completely what went through my thoughts but I can tell you that I completely disagree with my situation now. I do not, I repeat: I DO NOT accept that monster being inside of me. It is no part of me and has nothing to do with me. That is a first thing.
A second thing is that in my mind I can not passively undergo this anymore. This is incompatible with who I am and how I think people should act. The previous time I did undergo because it was all new and strange and I didn’t know what to expect. Please let me try to explain how my mind works. I don’t agree with this situation so I have to attack it. I do this primarily with the help of the professor, his absolute knowledge and the whole staff of the hospital. He is doing his work and exploring all the possible treatment that could help me. On Friday I send him a mail explaining a bit who I am. I really wanted him to see that I am not the average 70-year old laying here waiting for the end to come. I am only 40 and want a whole lot more years! Now, a military action is is always carefully prepared. Every little step is being analyzed in order to find the best way to tackle possible enemy and react to them. We receive the mission, we explore different strategies to fulfill that mission. We don’t just prepare one path, we prepare several paths and compare them. This way we are ready in advance to deal with all the possible difficulties we might encounter in our battle. Everything to fulfill the mission.
I look at this war as a mission. One tool to tackle the problem isn’t enough in my mind. I want to be prepared to tackle it in another way if one way doesn’t work. This makes sense right. Also I want my plans to be ready in advance so that I don’t lose time. There is no time to loose. I need plan A, B, C, even the whole alphabet if necessary. So I wrote an email to my professor explaining this to him and asking about possibilities that I have already read about such as immunotherapy and a diet that I have read a lot about. On Monday I immediately received an email that he would come and explain it to me. So he did. He explained me that the treatment that he is give me has proven the most use and effectiveness in my situation. Also he told me they also have plan B and C and other paths to follow in case of. I was happy to hear this. By no means I would discredit his work and the good medical support I get here. I just wanted to make sure he understands that I am not planning on just letting this happen to me. It is not who I am and I need constructive advice and support. If people do not believe in my fight it is their problem but then at least I expect cooperation in another way, such as other contacts that I can write to and ask questions. There is no no, there are only solutions. But my professor is a very lovely man and is with me on my path.
I am still researching and reading and I will explore all my options. I do it the military way. This is what I know, what I can, what I am and what I do.