Yes, I am you guys. I am still alive hahaha, but not yet kicking, mainly sleeping and resting. But I am finally feeling ok to write again so I will get you up to date quickly!
Of course my absence from the net had a reason. After my fourth round of radiation (After that two more weeks of external radiation and one chemo foreseen), three very heavy weeks followed. I mean, I literally couldn’t do anything anymore. That was the moment that I never expected. Me with my big mouth, thinking it was all gonna be a peace of cake! A frustrating time for me, needing help. To get out of bed, I had to first psychologically prepare myself and then it took about an hour before I was dressed and downstairs. Can you imagine having no energy whatsoever to even put on on some new knickers. 🙂 Taking a shower was a complete psychological torture. Everything became a challenge from the smallest thing to the biggest (that I simply didn’t do anymore) that needed a mental preparation. Next to the non-existing energy I was struggling with a bladder infection that until this very day did not heal completely yet.
My friends provided me with food. They would cook for me and bring it to me and fill my freezer so when I wanted to eat, I just needed to heat it up. Unfortunately that even became a task those three weeks that I wasn’t able to do anymore. So Saar arranged a company to bring me hot food. I didn’t use that for a long time because they delivered it around nine in the morning. That was just to early for me. Not because I was still sleeping but I already had stress knowing that I had to get up and get it at the door which for me was way to exhausting. I stopped that and asked mom if she could cook one plate more every day. Of course that wasn’t a problem, she was happy to help me. Moms wanna do whatever at such situation. So that was when mom came to the rescue! Every day she brought me food and warmed it. That was heaven! Some days she would come and get me and I would stay at her place to eat. It also made me happy because I got out of the house for some time. And also if I wasn’t able to sit up for to long or got tired, I could just fall asleep on their couch. So she continued to help me the next two weeks before my final step of the treatment. After my last day of radiation, I had about one week before that last part of my therapy: the internal radiation. In my mind that made me happy because the radiation was very hard. You don’t feel it but it takes away all your energy. And they treated a big part of my body so the doctors said I would definitely get very tired of it. So in my mind I had one week to get strong again before the last part. But I didn’t count on that bladder infection that made that week shitty. Also radiation continues to work some more weeks after it is finished.
In the meantime I had had a new appointment with my radiation doctor in the clinic to see how I was doing, just a consultation. I told her I was doing fine because apart from the zero-energy-presence I had been lucky the whole time. I didn’t have nausea, no strange feeling fingers, I never had to vomit and never had any of the other side effects. I also explained to her that I could not express on the scale of one to ten how tired I was. I just told her that my energy level was minus 500. Apparently this was according to my standards. I couldn’t do the half kilometer anymore to the radiation department. I had to sit in a wheelchair. I tried to postpone that as long as possible, but at a certain moment your body tells you to swallow that pride and just go sit the fuck down in that chair and let people help you! But anyway, the doctor she smiled at me and said: “Ma’am, with the therapy you got, I hardly ever saw anyone with the energy that you have. I can count them on one hand.” She clearly doesn’t know me 🙂