“The new life experience” as in, when you travel and you experience adventures that you will never forget. And people and the internet tell you that those experiences make you rich!! not by money but rich in life itself and they can never take them away from you.
Hahaha now that is what I am talking about here as well. The following experiences that I had definitely do not contribute the money, but surely also not made me specifically richer in life. But what they do contribute to is the humor in my life and everyone else’s, so I don’t want to spare you guys from the real humiliation and shameful wealth that has been given to me so far in the hospital 🙂 From now on I’m incognito!
Since the beginning of the medical rollercoaster it became very quickly clear to me that there is no shame in a hospital. Everything of the human body is literally spread out in the open. So is my body!! Everybody sees everything and many people (luckily doctors and nurses only) touch many things and places of the body that are usually not touched at all or only on special occasions ;-). There are even places of which I never knew I could feel something over there 🙂
So let me share you my richness and wealth that I received so far:
- THE NMR SCAN. Before the PET scan I had another scan, the NMR scan (nuclear, magnetic, resonance). It was very important according to the directives to take out your magnetic eye. Wasn’t really sure if they were referring to me but… I also never knew that a thing like a magnetic eye existed but imagine you are in the machine and you have one and it gets sucked out of your face and gets glued to the donut machine!! One would not laugh with that , seeing himself or herself with only one eye! But to be clear, I i don’t have a magnetic eye :-). I do have titanium in my left forearm. That was luckily not a problem the nurse said. I got to wear the sexy hospital dress again and was placed in a sort of a lounge chair. I thought: That’s what I’m talking about!! Comfortable seating before uncomfortable situations! Right before I had to enter the dressing room I was pretty stressed for it. Luckily that Saar was there to calm me down a bit. But so I sat there in my lounge set looking at the female and male nurse preparing the material. The female nurse told me I would get an IV so they could pump contrast liquid into my veins to take the scans. While she was preparing the syringe, she told me that I would also get a shot on my bottom. I looked at the syringe and saw this massive, huge, giant needle in her hands laughing at me! I immediately told her that in no circumstance whatsoever she would inject with that needle!! “Oh no!” said the male nurse holding in his hand an even bigger plastic syringe with a long snout but no needle, “Not that one will be injected but this one!”. I gazed at him like a drunken cow with a heatstroke. I was like: “Euhm that does not seem to go in my butt cheek?” With a big smile on his face he told me that this goes into some other hole!! “Into the butthole!!!! Holy shit!! No sir, the butt hole is designed to let things out, not to let things in!!” Panic in my eyes 🙂 “This is gonna be a funny scan today” he said, “And by the way , You are wrong ma’m, in the hospital it is also used to let things go in…” I had to abide…. It was a strange cool feeling where normally nothing is cool. I verified with the nurse if nothing would run out. Because that would embarrass me :-)!! Nothing fortunately did.. Embarrassing , awkward moment, but we had a big laugh 🙂
- FIRST MEDICAL CHECK UP ON THE ONCOLOGY DEPARTMENT and actually the only moment that the professor, head of gynecological oncology examines you and he is accompanied by his young, super nervous-I don’t -know-how-to-deal-with-this-person-that-makes-strange-jokes assistant. Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against young doctors. They need to learn as well and are our future lives and hopes depend on them. I have no problem dealing with them instead of the professor. Everybody needs to learn. But this particular young guy was already extremely nervous to even ask me some basic questions. Saar already got a conniption fit by hearing his first word. When he examined me and was hitting my back on several places really softly, he asked me if I felt any pain. I told him very honestly and seriously that I am used to a whole lot more of hard beating than that. The boy got pale as fresh Greek yoghourt and I figured soon I would have to do CPR on him. I couldn’t count on Saar anymore because she found herself laying under the desk laughing her ass off. The pour boy thought I was an abused and battered woman…. Jesus!! 🙂 I don’t think he got over my joke because when the professor was feeling the cancer in my cervix (professors can feel cancer like dogs can sniff it, isn’t that unbelievable!) he had to watch it all with a big light focussed on my vagina. He stood about two meters away. If it had taken a second longer I would have yelled at him to get closer and have a clear view of it all! You NEED TO LEARN! DAMN BOY! I never saw this young assistant anymore afterwards…..
- TALKING ABOUT INTIMATE HYGIENE WITH PEOPLE YOU JUST MET. Now I know I’m not a prude and I’m usually very open about everything but when the nurses told me that I had to shave my intimate parts completely because doctors don’t like a jungle down there, I immediately knew that a whole lot more eyes would be present down there than usual. I have the unfortunate luck of dealing with an alien that involves my female internal system. So there is no escape of shameful moments, they are part of it. If it would have been my toes having cancer, this would be a whole different embarrassment story :-). So dealing with gynecology issues make you the winner of the humiliation competition. First place immediately. Never had to do so little to be a winner so easily hahahah. But we always go for victory remember.
- AGAIN HAVING THINGS GO INTO YOUR PRIVATE PARTS WHERE USUALLY THINGS COME OUT! They had to check if the alien did not reach my organs yet so they had to put me under complete narcosis to check my bladder. Now you might think that the entrance of the bladder is at the front side of the body and that is where they need to be right? Nothing to to with the backside right? ….. You are absolutely right!! So why the hell did I need to have the clyster, the lavage, the enema (as in cleaning out your intestines)? That entrance is at the back side of my body!! The previous time I had a full sedation also for an operation and they did not have to use the backdoor. But now apparently is was a necessity. Holy cow!!! The nurse that did that action on my back door told me to hold it in as long as possible. She didn’t even finish her sentence yet when I asked her if I could please please please go to the toilet. I needed to hold it a bit longer she said. I was like”OK ONE SECOND AND I’M OFF!”. So I did one second and ran of to the toilet. And then it started storming and thundering, huge clouds were packing above us (or definitely above the toilet)! And that was what I told my roommate, hoping that she would not notice that I was lying and that something else was going on in the toilet, aside from the sunny and cloudless day that moment.
- HAVING YOUR JEWELRY STALLED OUT. This chemo that they give me is in combination with the radiation therapy. Therefor my body needs to be rinsed for eighteen hours continuously with the right amount of fluid. This makes sure that my kidneys are not being overworked. It is like meeting the kidney syndicate every Tuesday 🙂 But together with the syndicate come the arrangements. In this case: The bladder catheter!!! Moments as these I now turn to my new best friend Xanax :-). The only problem is that its effectiveness is of short term and here in the hospital everything takes time. So by the time the nurses came in to instal this katheder I felt absolutely nothing anymore of that blissful Xanax high … And were it not that I was so tense again due the stress of the unknown, the young nurse who was so friendly would have found my pee-hole immediately! After some searching and awkward feelings she finally asked me if she could get her colleague to help her. Absolutely not a problem I told her. But then suddenly it looked like it was the national highway to Brussels between the two curtains that closed in my bed. Doctors and nurses all passing by while my intimate parts were stalled out shining in the light of the day. And yes, I already have crown jewels, but this experience has definitely made me a multi millionaire today :-)!