I guess there is always a sort of mourning involved when cancer pops up in one’s life. My mourning will be the fact that I have to let go of my wish of being a mom, biologically I mean. Since many years I wanted to be a mom. But meeting the wrong men or taking wrong decisions got me to my age and not being a mom yet.
With my boyfriend of three years ago I did several IVF procedures without any luck. The doctors said nothing was wrong but Nature always has the last word and I respect that. When my relationship with him ended I found myself another boyfriend of course 🙂 and he was open for the idea of having kids so we just let it happen. Unfortunately no luck either. I was around 38 years old when that relationship ended so I decided not to wait anymore. The prince on the white horse that would give me the fairytale apparently took a side road, lost his way and ended up in a bar completely drunk not being able to ride his horse anymore that most likely escaped while he was filling himself up in the bar. And in the meantime my clock was ticking. The last ten years people told me that I was still young and had time enough and then suddenly I was 38!! Liars :-)! Time goes way too fast!! Anyway I decided not to wait anymore because the expiration date on my eggs was getting closer. Action needed to be taken so I decided to go for a donor and started the procedure of insemination. I figured that if I would meet someone and it would happen naturally that would be grate and I would be grateful but in the meantime I would try it on my own. No time to waste!
My idea is, when you love someone, you accept the full package. I have always done that with my ex boyfriends. I took their children in my life and loved them like they were my own. I love kids. So I figured that any man that wants to be with me will have to take my package as well. And believe me my package is more than just a kid :-)! So I started to try to get pregnant on my own. That is when they noticed some strange spots on the echograph of my uterus and more examinations started that ended in the cancer diagnosis.
With that diagnosis came unfortunately the bad news that I will become infertile due to radiation and chemo therapy. In one day I lost a very important part of my life: the wish of having a little Nele running around (not sure if it would have been good be for the rest of the world but anyway ;-)). After so many years of battle to becoming a mom the irony of life took over. At 25 I had an abortion which was very hard for me but I didn’t think it was the right time to have a baby. I was a brand new platoon commander and had so many things to do. And honestly, I was still a kid myself (sometimes I still am now :-)) I had a difficult period afterwards but got through it. I never got back on the decision that I took to have it removed. I don’t live in the past. Even now I don’t go back there. It serves to nothing.
But the thought that now the mom story has also ended needs some mourning time. But the way I see it is as follows. Every time an IVF procedure or insemination didn’t work I had to go through a sort of mourning period. I have had so many that getting this news wasn’t mega shocking. It is hard but I am sure I will be able to give it a place. The mourning about the kids that never came made me emotionally harder. You get mentally strong in placing all those emotions and as you get older you start to focus on other things. You have to, there is no other way or you stay depressed the rest of your life. I always said that I never want to be a frustrated women. Life is also rich without children.
Nevertheless I wouldn’t be me if I wouldn’t have a back up plan (or two, three) When I came back from Afghanistan in 2016 I immediately started an adoption procedure. This is ongoing. I knew it takes time to adopt in Belgium so it never really bothered me that I have to probably wait for a baby for three to eight years!! So much can happen in that time, and in my case it did. So now that is my new road and I’m very excited about it! There are so many children that I saw during my foreign missions in bad situations without parents that have the right to all the opportunities in life that every kid has the right to. It is perfect! I have all the means and love to give a baby or toddler a good life and there is definitely a child that is in need of a crazy mom like me!! Easy no?! 🙂
Off course the fact that I have cancer now will probably have some consequences on the adoption as well, but that I will figure out. There are only solutions!
BUT First things first and that is nuking this alien in my belly to the orbit!!!