Getting bad news

Monday 16 July I was ordered to go to the hospital again. It was definitely the start of a new lifestyle. One that involves daily hospital visits and lots of needles :-(. All those things that are new to me freak me out a whole lot more then meeting an ‘arbab’ (Afghan  chief of a village or an older wise man of the village) in taliban surroundings.


The thing is: this is not my habitat. The military is my habitat. In my twenty years career I have been sick at home for only about twenty days. To be sick is not my style. I don’t participate that game. The same counts for the cancer. I did not ask to be a member of that shitty club. Therefor I will not give cancer its pleasure of thinking that it can enlist me without my approval. I have never been in a position where I needed to be taken care of and people take decisions for me. That is usually my job. It is a very strange feeling of not having the control anymore over your body and in this case also your life. I have to accept that the upcoming period will be directed by the hospital. Of course being a perfect soldier :-), I will comply. I will do exactly what the doctors tell me, because there is only one way to go. And that is the road I will take. There is not a single hair on my head that would even consider to do otherwise. It will be hard but I count on my body that I have trained over the years (see the side text).

Anyway, I saw the professor on Monday and he told me that the PET scan had shown metastasis out of my uterus. This meant that the treatment had to change. They will now bombard me with heavy artillery being chemotherapy and radiation therapy. I got a huge slap of the hamer and ran out of the hospital room. That same day I had another gynecological exam and they had to put the IV for the day after where they would have a small operation to look inside my body. I was so tense that the nurse did not manage to get the needle in right. My veins just closed. She couldn’t believe it herself because she said I had the best veins in the hallway of the gynecological cancer department. After that news I was just wandering around because I couldn’t believe what he had just said. I was so sure that it would have been good news…

It was the anesthesiologist that put the IV in the day after. He told me he would take good care of me. I replied that he better did because I would find him if he wouldn’t. :-). It was already late when it was done because everything was delayed a bit. I was so extremely hungry because I hadn’t eaten in 24hr. I wasn’t allowed to eat, but I felt good and I had smuggled in some chocolate so I ate that. When the nurse saw I looked good she gave me food after all.

On Wednesday I saw the professor again. He seemed surprised that I was a bit shocked on Monday but that today he had a bit of better news. The cancer did not reach my bladder apparently, which is a good thing because touching organs with the radiation is never good. Ok seen the bad news show of the past couple of weeks, this was ‘good’ news.

I went home and started the worst week ever in my life.


3 thoughts on “Getting bad news

  1. I love your New blog and it’s not a surprise your amazing inner positive strength! You are writing as you live: in authentic way and your words and approach are totally inspiring!! Well done dear! Fight and win! As alaways, my friends! 🍺💕💕💕💕 your Italian friend ☀️Michela

    Liked by 1 person

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